MLJ Bromance: The Shenanigans Post

I guess we’ll get the obvious questions out of the way early: Are Clown and Rex exactly like their internet personas?  The answer is a resounding yes.

After having to find Rex via cellphone in the airport we finally start walking toward each other in slow motion with music playing.  When our destiny unites us his first words are, “you’re fatter than I thought.”  My heart burned with desire, this was the man I thought he would be.  Clown’s plane came in two hours later so we grabbed a couple of beers at Chilis in which Rex immediately started eye-fucking all the Phoenix Fives.  If the chick had a boyfriend, Rex saw it more as a challenge than a sign that he should move onto the next one.  No one noticed him (psst. Rex is a Phoenix One).  The waitress didn’t even try to hide her disdain.

There was surprisingly little awkwardness between the Danger Seeker and myself so we assumed that the quiet, closet case would be Clown…and we were correct.  Clown is quiet in real life.  But everything he says is an internet comment.  If you want to hear more, you gots to click the jump:

Clown removed his mask to reveal something infinitely more horrifying.

Friday Night: We arrive at Mexico, unpack, and head into town for dinner.  We enjoy a nice meal, watch a sunset, and seem to genuinely get along.  The jokes were at a minimum and the sincerity level was at an all time high.  Maybe we weren’t sure if we could/should joke with each other.  Maybe we were just happy that none of us were serial killers.  Maybe we were tired from the drive, but we were not tearing each a new one at every moment.  This would be the last such time this occurred.

Saturday Morning: Hef’s Gay Magician Friend can’t follow directions well and shows up at the Beach House at 5 in the morning after driving around the development looking for the house.  Apparently when I say 4th house on the left he thinks that means House #4 so he keeps peering into windows at all of the houses on the street and then takes off in frustration and does donuts in the sand across the way.  I only bail him out when the security guy’s police car lights wake me up.  I consider leaving him in a mexican prison when he blames me for it.  To calm his frustration, he proceeds to drink a full bottle of that cheap Rossi wine.  And act beligerent.  And wake up the other two.

Saturday Evening: We watch the Suns/Bulls game and the UFC fights and then everything goes blank.  There are no recollections to be had after that moment.  I’m pretty sure everyone was tucked into their beds at 9.

Sunday Morning: Word of advice–Mexican speed bumps are invisible.  Just ask Clown’s concussion.  We hit one of those speed tables doing 40 and Clown bounced up and hit the ceiling with his dome.  Almost dented my roof with his enormous head.

Sunday Evening: Super Bowl and gambling.  And Steaks.  And Shrimp.  And Ceviche.  And Clams.  And Oysters.  And Cigars.  And mid-90s R&B.  We’ll have pictures later.

Monday Morning.  I’m surprised that 4 men of our age do so little damage to a house anymore.  Cleanup was a breeze and we got out of the house by 10.  At this point I’m tired and not really talking.  Clown apparently has no ability to turn off his internet persona.  I swear it was like driving with my mother.  “You call that aggressive driving?”  “Did the border guard get you flustered, Hef?”  “Nice Costanza wallet.”  “You don’t know Johnny Gill?”

Yes, he’s riding a shrimp.

Monday Afternoon: Hef humanizes the shit out of himself by introducing the wife and kids to his fake internet friends.  Rex and Clown treat Hef’s kids like internet commenters.  HeJew seems unimpressed.  HeJewII keeps offering Clown his crackers.  The tiredness sets in.  Oh yeah, In & Out Burgers.  How can I fail to mention food?  I drop them off at the airport without crying.  It took a lot of restraint.